Maw-Maw is at the end of her life in this world--in some ways I am so ready for her to go--it's PAST time, really--and yet, I'll NEVER be ready for her to go. I can't believe that just last Tuesday night we celebrated Christmas w/ her and she was dressed and in her chair--chatting and directing the show. This photo was taken on my bday (Thursday, the 17th) as she and Sue were making the last few pecan pies to deliver to the neighbors for Christmas. When she finished that day, she declared that she was "done"--I think that carried tremendous meaning for her--meaning that the kitchen was now closed and therefore, her life was done. Spunky, spunky, spunky to the very end!! Today, 4 days after this photo, she lies crumpled in her bed, eyes closed w/ an occasional mumble. It's been a lonely journey for me...has it been for her too? I hope not. I'm still praying that God will use this experience to draw me closer to Him and to help others in the future. Honestly, it's hard to see either through the fog of sadness right now. I read the encouraging verses and sometimes they just feel empty. Today's verse is "I am not alone, for my Father is with me.".....and yet, I DO feel pretty alone. Lord, don't let Satan win this struggle--don't let him weasel his way into my heart during this sad time. Be my fortress, my deliverer, my mighty rock--don't let me depend on friends, relatives, or anyone but you for this strength. I've been guilty of that during the last nine months--searching for strength and encouragement from others when I should've looked to you--I'm sorry--I haven't always allowed you to be my rock. My devotion for today says, "No one ever comes into the full realization of the best things of God in his spiritual life w/o learning to walk alone w/ Him."....."It is in the experience of isolation that the Lord develops an independence of life and faith so that the soul no longer depends on the continual help, prayers, faith, and care of others." These are God's words directly to me--I've struggled w/ this for weeks and blamed others for my struggle....but it's been God FORCING me to realize that THEY are not what I need. Ahhhh--the story of my spiritual life--God forcing me--when will I learn to listen sooner? God, don't let this experience be wasted on me--let my roots grow deeper and let my branches stretch toward the Heavens; let this tree grow more beautiful for you after the storm is over.
beautiful: family to surround you in such a dark time
good: knowing that this disease will NOT win, in the end!
