"I am not alone, for my Father is with me." John 16:32

Maw-Maw is at the end of her life in this world--in some ways I am so ready for her to go--it's PAST time, really--and yet, I'll NEVER be ready for her to go. I can't believe that just last Tuesday night we celebrated Christmas w/ her and she was dressed and in her chair--chatting and directing the show. This photo was taken on my bday (Thursday, the 17th) as she and Sue were making the last few pecan pies to deliver to the neighbors for Christmas. When she finished that day, she declared that she was "done"--I think that carried tremendous meaning for her--meaning that the kitchen was now closed and therefore, her life was done. Spunky, spunky, spunky to the very end!! Today, 4 days after this photo, she lies crumpled in her bed, eyes closed w/ an occasional mumble. It's been a lonely journey for me...has it been for her too? I hope not. I'm still praying that God will use this experience to draw me closer to Him and to help others in the future. Honestly, it's hard to see either through the fog of sadness right now. I read the encouraging verses and sometimes they just feel empty. Today's verse is "I am not alone, for my Father is with me.".....and yet, I DO feel pretty alone. Lord, don't let Satan win this struggle--don't let him weasel his way into my heart during this sad time. Be my fortress, my deliverer, my mighty rock--don't let me depend on friends, relatives, or anyone but you for this strength. I've been guilty of that during the last nine months--searching for strength and encouragement from others when I should've looked to you--I'm sorry--I haven't always allowed you to be my rock. My devotion for today says, "No one ever comes into the full realization of the best things of God in his spiritual life w/o learning to walk alone w/ Him."....."It is in the experience of isolation that the Lord develops an independence of life and faith so that the soul no longer depends on the continual help, prayers, faith, and care of others." These are God's words directly to me--I've struggled w/ this for weeks and blamed others for my struggle....but it's been God FORCING me to realize that THEY are not what I need. Ahhhh--the story of my spiritual life--God forcing me--when will I learn to listen sooner? God, don't let this experience be wasted on me--let my roots grow deeper and let my branches stretch toward the Heavens; let this tree grow more beautiful for you after the storm is over.

beautiful: family to surround you in such a dark time
good: knowing that this disease will NOT win, in the end!

Back to School!

We're coming to the end of our first week of school. It's been a great week!! This year I will spend more time with them doing "group" activities...to some folks that may sound backwards--shouldn't you wean them off of group work and have them working independently? Yes, they need to know how to work independently...but they already do! God has really convicted me about spending more time with them during the school day--making sure they really understand the concepts, learning together, talking through things......and just BEING together! For a while, it looked as though Ella might return to traditional school this year and there were so many things that I "wished I had done". Who knows when our homeschool time together will come to an end and I don't want to live with regrets!! We're going to spend more time in REAL books and less time in text books, do more projects, take more trips, and just have FUN learning! It's only taken me 4 years to learn this....apparently I'm a slow learner....but the important thing is that I have seen the light! Truly, I think it has taken me this long to "break the traditional school mold" that has been planted in my brain...especially having been to college and grad. school in the field of education--it was almost permanently ingrained. Their system isn't terrible--it's pretty much how you HAVE to operate w/ 30 kids in a classroom that are all at a variety of different levels. I think, for the most part, teachers are doing the best w/ what they've got! But is it ideal?! Not for us. Are we perfect around here? No way, but we have flexibility to change things that aren't working, redo things we don't understand, study the things that interest us, and worship God while we're doing all of it!!!!!!!!! Thank you, God, for the opportunity--it's amazing!

Beautiful: watching my kids learn and grow...."in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man"
Good: living in a place where I have the FREEDOM to make educational choices

Eat Your Words!!

I'm using a devotion book called "Lifewalk" these days...a journey through the Bible every year. Today I began the book of Ezekiel...and read one of the (many) passages that I've NEVER known (or processed) before: (Chapter 3 v 1-3) "Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll....so I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat. Then he said to me, "Son of man, eat this scroll I am giving you and fill your stomach with it." So I ate it, and it tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth." He literally ATE God's word!! That gives a whole new meaning to "devouring a good book"! God was sending Ezekiel into a land of hardened and rebellious people (Israelites in Babylon). God LITERALLY filled him w/ His word and His spirit...and made it taste good, too--COOL!! This reminds me how much I limit God...his ways are not my ways...but how often I try to confine Him and force Him to operate within MY bounds, within MY understanding!

beautiful: God's ability to work IN SPITE OF me!
good: the last days of summer vacation

A Diamond in the Rough....or the grass

One of the dumbest things I've EVER done occurred yesterday in my front yard!! Mom lost her earring while riding her mower, so in order to help her out, I placed MY diamond earring in the grass in the front yard to see if a metal detector would pick it up.....it wouldn't, and now my earring is gone, too!! Yes, a woman w/ 33 yrs of life experience and a master's degree did this! 7 hours I crawled around in grass w/ scissors and forks digging, searching, combing for the lost earring. Blisters on my hands, sores on my knees....I think I give up! I can't believe that I KNOW it's out there and I can't find it. Isn't life like that sometimes? We spend so much time looking for something that we just know is out there.....something that will make us happy and satisfied.....but we're just looking in all the wrong places. My last hope is a super sensitive metal detector...something that will guide me, w/ precision to the thing I'm looking for. God's word is like that in our lives; it holds the answers to our questions, but so often we won't even consult Him....we think that our own search will yield more fruit! So, really, I guess yesterday's earring fiasco wasn't truly the dumbest thing I've ever done--I've gone on many quests over the years w/o good direction! Maybe it says something about my priorities, too. Would I spend 7 hrs searching through God's words or in prayer about a problem or concern in my life?

beautiful: God considers me a diamond and searched for me until He found me!
Good: Good that it was my earring and not my wedding ring

When pigs fly....or produce frightening epidemics

What a week!! Tuesday: Jason leaves for CA; I decide Ben should go to Dr. tomorrow for cold he's had a week or so. Wednesday: Ben wakes up throwing up and shaking; I take him straight to Dr's office where they diagnose possible swine flu and admit him to hospital. Wed night: Jason flies BACK from CA after attending 2 hrs worth of meeting that morning. Ben is much better by the time he arrives. Thursday: spend all day at hospital and are discharged after dinner. Friday: Not sure what the day will bring, but I hope it's much less exciting! I told Jason last night that I felt guilty for feeling so "inconvenienced" by a hospital stay; a day feels like a thousand years in there and we were only there two days. Imagine the families that stay weeks or even months at a time!! We are certainly the fortunate ones and should count ourselves as such. We won't know for another few days if it's H1N1 (aka swine flu) and by then, he should be completely recovered! Thank you God for healing medicine and wise doctors...and your powerful touch!!

beautiful: healthy children
good: my OWN comfy bed!

I'm really just a wandering Israelite!

Jason just left for CA this morning--we always miss him, but the girls are looking forward to having a night each in my bed (and I'll have one night alone in my king size bed....or maybe Ben will end up in there!) Went swimming yesterday at the clubhouse w/ the Hamns....but the gate was locked...so we let the kids scale the fence to swim....I felt like a criminal!! I'm supposed to have a key to the gate; will have to figure out why I don't.

I start to get "anxious" this time every year (our 4th year homeschooling!).....I think I just want so badly to have a successful year, to be productive, to be a good steward of our time, to make a difference in their lives, and to somehow ensure a great year by starting off on the right foot. And, in my mind, this will all be precipitated by choosing the right curriculum. So, I've been on my annual search for the PERFECT curriculum.....argh! I do this every year! There really is just so much great stuff to choose from out there that I don't want to miss or overlook anything. I truly am a lifelong learner and therefore, can be somewhat of a schizophrenic learner b/c I have this desire to want to learn everything....cover all the bases. The truth is that God can accomplish his purposes through ANY curriculum if I give myself, my home, my day, and my children to Him!! I'm putting my faith in the WRONG THINGS! My logical brain knows that this is impossible, but my (illogical?) brain refuses to concede! I've talked w/ God about this often and His answer is always the same...."give it to me--for my yoke is easy and my burden is light".....so, I'll let Him carry it for a while...and then I take it back! Sounds ridiculous, I know--maybe I miss the weight of the burden?! Maybe I'm so bold as to think that I'm the only one who can properly worry about it all?! Either way, it's ridiculous....and yet, I keep doing it! Sounds a little like the Israelites in the Old Testament; God proved over and over that he could be trusted....and yet they turned away from Him (and to theirselves or other gods) over and over and over!! "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?" Matthew 8:26 So maybe it's fear that he'll let me down...or pride that I can do it better...or both? Lord, let my heart be humbled today (always a little scary to pray for humility) and let me remember, in ALL I do, that you are Lord, King, Giver of everything, Alpha and Omega!! Let me rest in you today.

Ella sent Jason a sweet and encouraging email this morning. She offered several bits of advice ending with a reminder about the importance of making time daily for two things: "Just wanted to remind you to do your best and to always make time for two things, God and stretching, no mater how busy you are!" :) Love it!!

beautiful: God's continued love and forgiveness in the midst of my sin!
good: the quietness of EARLY morning

Why so sad?!

I'm weepy this morning--it's back to school day.....but NOT FOR US....and yet, I'm still weepy!! Why is this?! I think it just signals a passing for all of us as parents. And though my Ella won't actually step inside a middle school today, I am well aware that if we weren't homeschooling, she WOULD be having her first day of middle school. Homeschooling doesn't mean she's not still growing up...it just means that I get to watch her do it! Maybe I'm nervous--will she feel today as a "void"--a right of passage that she's not getting to experience....or a blessing.....that she's NOT having to experience it?! I'm up early this morning to bathe this day in prayer, so I'm just giving this to God...."do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself!"

Morgan was baptized yesterday!! What an exciting day!! We kept our tradition and had a big party afterwards to celebrate--I cooked for 23 people--wow! Rice for 23 is VERY difficult...AND, apparently, continuing to add liquid to reduce stickiness really only INCREASES stickiness! Oh well, we all ate.... a lot....so it must've been okay! Morgan chose the menu since it was her special day: chicken and rice, black-eyed peas, salad, fruit, bread, chocolate chip pound cake, (and a sheet cake to celebrate Zach's college graduation!) And to make it even more special, we had the Lord's Supper last night at church--she got to take her first Lord's Supper on the same day she was baptized!!

beautiful: the baptism of a child
good: a house full of family and friends to celebrate with

My First Blog!

My girls are wanting to "blog".....so I'm the guinea pig! I'm trying to decide--is this like facebook--a random sharing or thoughts/ideas, or is it more like a journal to capture our life?! We'll see. I couldn't think of a blog title (that wasn't already taken).....so I decided to get my hymnal and open it up and see which song title would pop up...now, I can't say that this was the FIRST title...actually, the first song was "Without Him"....a lovely song, but not so good for a blog title...followed by "Lord, I'm Coming Home"....again, not so good....but the third time is a charm....and what an appropriate song title for MY life!! "This son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." Luke 15:24

Something beautiful, something good; all my confusion He understood.

All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life.

~Gloria Gaither

I often feel so inadequate as a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, and most of all as a child of God....but God created my "innermost being" and "knows every hair on my head". IF I will give him space in my heart and allow him to be LORD of my life, HE can take the inadequacies, the selfishness, the brokenness, and sin and transform it into "something beautiful, something good"!! My prayer for my life and my family's is that we will daily put Christ first and allow him to transform us! One of my favorite praise songs says, "Take my life--and form it. Take my mind--transform it--take my will--conform it--to yours, to yours, O Lord. Holiness, holiness is what I long for."